I’ve had a moment of… clarity…. no… of something. I can feel my heart racing still and I feel like a weiny because it’s still beating that fast.
I was looking through pictures of what my life would have been. What if I never moved to New York? What if I still lived in that small, middle-of-nowhere town in Ohio? I still keep in touch with some of my friends from Ohio and, thanks to the miracle that is facebook, I can take a glimpse into the lives of the people I don’t still keep in touch with. Just now I was looking through a picture album of a girl I haven’t talked to in almost 5 years. There are people in her pictures that I used to be friends with. And it’s so bizarre to look at my long ago friends. They’re older and far away. I have nothing to do with them anymore, they might not even remember me.
And more a moment I pictured myself squeezed into those pictures next to those people I used to know. Next to those people I have forgotten. Next to people I might have known if I never left. If I never left. What if I never left?
Moving to New York is one of the pivotal moments in my life and imagining it never happened is really hard to do. But, for a moment I accompished just that. I imagined I never moved… and I panicked.
If I still lived in Ohio…. Would I still be such a tomboy? Would I still be friends with Ryan and Anthony and Jacob and the Twins? Would I have joined their new found lust for high school relationships? Or would I have thought they were being silly like I do now? Would I be into drama club with them? Would I be applying to the same colleges as I am now? Would I be more or less eager to leave home? Would, would, would?
And then I thought about all the things I would lose if I never came to New York. My friends, my house, my friends, my friends, my boyfriend, my life.
I think I’m going to be sick. And I know I’m being kinda silly. Well, a lot silly. But, I do wonder how my life would be if I lived in Ohio. And, I would probably be sick to my stomach wondering how miserable I would have been if I had moved to New York.
But, it’s done. I am here, and not there. And this is how my life came out to be. I’m pretty happy with it.