To a life I’ll never have… thankfully

I’ve had a moment of… clarity…. no… of something.  I can feel my heart racing still and I feel like a weiny because it’s still beating that fast.

I was looking through pictures of what my life would have been.  What if I never moved to New York?  What if I still lived in that small, middle-of-nowhere town in Ohio?  I still keep in touch with some of my friends from Ohio and, thanks to the miracle that is facebook, I can take a glimpse into the lives of the people I don’t still keep in touch with.  Just now I was looking through a picture album of a girl I haven’t talked to in almost 5 years.  There are people in her pictures that I used to be friends with.  And it’s so bizarre to look at my long ago friends.  They’re older and far away.  I have nothing to do with them anymore, they might not even remember me.

And more a moment I pictured myself squeezed into those pictures next to those people I used to know.  Next to those people I have forgotten.  Next to people I might have known if I never left.  If I never left.  What if I never left?

Moving to New York is one of the pivotal moments in my life and imagining it never happened is really hard to do.  But, for a moment I accompished just that.  I imagined I never moved… and I panicked.

If I still lived in Ohio….  Would I still be such a tomboy?  Would I still be friends with Ryan and Anthony and Jacob and the Twins?  Would I have joined their new found lust for high school relationships?  Or would I have thought they were being silly like I do now?  Would I be into drama club with them?  Would I be applying to the same colleges as I am now?  Would I be more or less eager to leave home?  Would, would, would?

And then I thought about all the things I would lose if I never came to New York.  My friends, my house, my friends, my friends, my boyfriend, my life.

I think I’m going to be sick.  And I know I’m being kinda silly.  Well, a lot silly.  But, I do wonder how my life would be if I lived in Ohio.  And, I would probably be sick to my stomach wondering how miserable I would have been if I had moved to New York.

But, it’s done.  I am here, and not there.  And this is how my life came out to be.  I’m pretty happy with it.

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